On a Fine Day

The following story is one hundred percent true. And by that, I mean it's true fabrication. However, does that make it any less interesting? The answer is no.

Some times, everything is stacked your way. You're happy without question or reason, and the refills are always free.

Other days, random people try to mug you to impress their girlfriends.

I should rewind a bit here, seeing as how this is scatterbrained enough as it is.

People hate people who are happy. It's a common fact. And me being some one who's constantly smiling, well I attract many enemies. Haters, as they like to be called, are motivated by their own self indulgence. They want nothing more than to cause woe to those who are happy and weathy in spirit.

On this day, I had ordered soup, to celebrate my 100th day of unquestionable joy. Meanwhile, in a booth in the corner, this young man happened to be conversing with his girlfriend about how his "Gay Pride" T-shirt didn't make him less of a man.

I had to agree. I really love how pink shirts bring out manliness in people. As well as hoop earrings and lap dogs.

So eventually, as I was eating my soup, this guy stood up and blurted out at his girlfriend "I refuse to sit here and take this! I challenge anyone in this place to a fist fight, right here, right now"

Me being the only patron in the coffee shop, I decided to humor him: "Pipe down, Sally, I'm trying to enjoy my soup..."

His face was pink as the tube top he had on and he quickly skipped over to me "Do you want to challenge me to fisticuffs, sir?" His lisp was so bad, he was thinning my soup.

Standing up, I said, "I can't hit a woman, it would be unkind."

Words couldn't express the look in his face, and his girlfriend was laughing so hard, irony was shooting out of her nose. So before I could tell him to take his estrogen and settle down, he slapped me. Then started to cry profusely as he ran out the door, apologies leaking from his mouth.

The girl from the back stood up and called over to me, "I've been trying to get rid of him for ages! Sorry about your soup... Would you care for a new bowl?"

"Sure," I said, "but on one condition. You were dating this guy? Why didn't you just dump him?"

"What can I say?" She started, "He's so much fun to take out in public."

NOTE: This post wasn't meant to be funny. There's nothing more funny than failure.

- He Who Can't Bear To Put His Name On This